IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE - CHAPTER 5

 After daddy tried to kill my mother in late November 1962 she decided to have him committed to the state mental hospital in Nashville. Mother needed the signatures of at least two doctors to commit him. Didi told me that she walked the streets of Nashville looking for doctors willing to sign the papers. I don't know if she was successful. People have asked me over the years why my father decided to kill my mother and no one but daddy could really answer that question. Relatives tried to console me by saying that he was a sick man and wasn't in his right mind. I can accept that. Anyone who would kill their wife and the mother of their children can't be in their right mind. Some have told me that daddy loved mother so much that he couldn't bear going by himself. This is twisted logic to me. That is a heck of a way to show your love for someone. Apparently he didn't love his children that much. He left us orphaned and here to fend for ourselves. Maybe I am being too harsh and it is because I can't wrap my head around mental illness. Relatives and friends have meant well but I have my own theory. which makes much more sense to me. 

 Daddy found out that mother was trying to have him committed. Didi told me that he and Aunt Viola were fishing one day when she told him what mother was trying to do. In my opinion daddy was determined not to let that happen because he was determined not to be institutionalized again. From what I know about Aunt Viola I can see her telling daddy this. In fairness, I don't believe she would have told daddy this if she actually thought he would harm someone or himself. Nobody could have predicted that or intended for that to happen. It was, however; irresponsible of her to tell a man with a history of mental illness something like that. Even more despicable, Aunt Viola spread a vicious rumor about my mother after she died. Mother was five months pregnant when she was murdered and supposedly daddy killed her because she was pregnant with a black child. According to Viola a Nashville police officer told her this. The story goes that he saw mother riding around with a black man before she died and supposedly daddy killed her because she was pregnant with his baby. I have no doubt that the baby belonged to daddy. There is no way to prove that without having her body being exhumed which I have no legal authority to do. 

 It was common practice for white business owners to drive their black workers home after work. Many blacks didn't own cars and they either walked, rode a bicycle, hired a taxi or used city buses back and forth to work. Blacks owned cars but nothing like they do today. Many whites didn't own cars back then. My grandparents didn't own a car and Didi never owned one until she was in her 40's. Mother and daddy drove Dr. Nall home many times after work. The year was 1962 and the South was full of racist cops. I can only imagine what a white cop might think at seeing a white woman, with bleached blonde hair, driving black men home late at night. Secondly it would be out of character for my mother to do something like that. This was a woman who wouldn't allow us to use words like darn or call someone a liar. She was a woman who prayed with us each night before going to bed. Mother lived a Christian life in front of us. She made sure that we were always in Church or in Sunday school. The idea of mother having a relationship with a black man doesn't bother me. I have always been open-minded about interracial relationships. I just don't believe that mother was cheating on daddy and If she had been I know that it would have been wrong but mother was going through hell at that time. I can understand why a woman in a similar situation might fall to temptation but I don't believe that she did. 

 There are reasons that I wont bring up here why I believe the baby belonged to daddy. In 1993 my Air Guard unit was deployed to Hickam AFB Hawaii. My sister Carolyn lives in Hawaii and was very angry when I asked her what she knew about this story. She had heard this rumor before and Carolyn blurted out "that bitch, that bitch" over and over again, in reference to Aunt Viola. She claimed that mother wrote her a letter just before she died. Carolyn's husband John Kemper was stationed at Ft. Hood Texas and the letter arrived right after she heard the news that my parents were dead. Carolyn said that mother told her in the letter that she was pregnant. She also said that it couldn't have happened at a worse time because of all that was going on with daddy. Carolyn told me that mother would never have told her about the baby if it hadn't been daddy's. 

  Carolyn said that both Faye and herself loved my mother more than they loved their own mother. I can't prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that mother wasn't pregnant with a black child but regardless of what might be true it would never change the way I feel about her. I think that Aunt Viola spread this rumor because she was in denial about the fact that her brother committed such a heinous act. She once told my sister-in-law that the only good thing she could say about my mother was that she kept us clean. This is the only negative thing that I have ever heard anyone say about my mother and Aunt Viola was the only one likely to say it. Mother was loved by everyone. Whenever I met a relative or friend that knew her they would always tell me how good she was and how much they loved her. My daughter Melanie's temperament reminds me of my mother more than anyone. Everyone loves Melanie because she is such a gentle soul and her children's temperaments are very similar. My mother lives on through them. The following picture is one of the black men that was working at our store in those last months.

  I asked my cousin Roy to tell me everything that he remembered about mother and daddy in those days leading up to and the day of their death. He remembers the Sunday night before they died when daddy, Didi, mama, granddaddy, Alton and himself were eating supper at the kitchen table. I don't know where I was because I have no memory of this event. Roy said that suddenly, out of the blue, daddy very nonchalantly said that he was going to kill my mother and himself. Didi supposedly responded "Bill, you know that you don't mean that". Daddy repeated that he was going to kill mother and himself. The next day mama was looking in the big wardrobe chest that sat in the back room and she noticed a pistol in the pocket of daddy's trench coat. She took the pistol out and hid it. On Tuesday she found another pistol but was afraid to take this one out of his pocket because she didn't want to anger him. Mama suffered a lot from guilt because she didn't take the gun when she had the chance.